Purple Is Not An Option
by freudwithwings
Summary: In which the C-Cube's color remains in hot debate, and the new Artemis Fowl movie announcement isn't helping settle matters at all.


**PURPLE IS NOT AN OPTION**

 _Summary: In which the C-Cube's color remains in hot debate, and the new Artemis Fowl movie announcement isn't helping settle matters at all._

-x-

 _Author's Note: This one-shot takes place during Season 1 of The Foul Team, but you don't need to have read that fic to understand what's going on here! Post TLG. Snark ahoy!_

-x-

Foaly returned to the ops booth from his coffee break to find that his cupboard door was open. There was a faint square in the dust at the forefront of a lovingly-curated display of _Artemis Fowl_ movie merchandise.

And the C-Cube was gone.

Foaly felt something inside him die a little bit. "No, no, no," he said, trotting forward to inspect the scene of the crime. "This is not good. This is beyond not good!"

"What's not good?" asked Holly from behind, causing the centaur to spin around in an attempt to block sight of the memorabilia shelf. She saw what he was looking at, and groaned audibly. "Please tell me they're not making another movie. I just got over the last one, and Arty still turns purple and starts twitching if you bring it up." She shuddered. "He doesn't even object so much to being the villain. It's that they wrote him as a _stupid_ villain. You know he's petitioning to be involved in editing the next script, gods help us all?"

"They announced a new movie last week, actually! And it will definitely be excellent - new director and everything! I love those movies." Foaly was probably the only person who had been involved in the events of the movies who actually enjoyed watching them. That was probably because he had been portrayed by Hoofsley, a famed centaur action star who had only accepted the part upon being reassured that he would have veto rights over the script. Thus it was that, in every installment of the _Artemis Fowl_ movie series, Hoofsley's Foaly turned out to be the _real_ hero. He was constantly fighting off Fowl's hordes of bad guys singlehandedly from inside the ops booth and introducing tech at the last moment to solve absolutely every single problem in the film, all without having his budget slashed. In the most recent installment, he'd even gotten the girl after saving the planet from an invasion of alien squid (orchestrated, of course, by the villainous Fowl and his monstrous bodyguard).

Anyways, back to the problem at hoof. "Hey, Holly? Have you seen anybody hanging around here while I was on break?"

"Aside from Artemis, you mean? He said he needed to pick something up - sounded technical, I didn't ask. Thought you two nerds would work it out amongst yourselves." She crinkled her nose. "That was an hour ago?"

Foaly swore under his breath. "Mud Boy stole my cube."

"You mean… your replica cube…from the movie set...?" Holly's tone had become dangerous. "The one you had your action hero crush autograph for you?"

"Yes," said Foaly too fast. "It was absolutely, most definitely, one hundred percent replica. And we need to get it back _right now."_

"Right," said Holly, putting things together. "We'd better track him down fast."

-x-

It was easy enough to track Artemis down. After all, he wasn't hiding.

He was waiting.

"You know what," said Foaly, attempting to back up as soon as he'd gotten far enough into the LEPfoul boiler room to see Artemis's face. "I'll leave this to you, Holly."

"No, you don't," she retorted, moving to block the doorway. "You started this, you finish it. Now go deal with your clone."

"What, so when he's got that look on his face he's _my_ clone?"

Artemis's eyes narrowed further, fingers tracing lightly over the surface of the cube. "I certainly hope not."

"I hope not, too," Foaly said, brightly. He forced a smile. "I see you found my replica C-Cube from the movie! Did you know they only made forty-four of those? Magic number."

Artemis deliberately did not react.

"Yeah! It's really funny, actually - there was a translation error in the script and the prop got painted red before anybody double-checked the original report, and then by the time anybody realized the original thing was blue it was too late because they'd already started filming. Well, I mean, they only had access to the parts of the report that weren't redacted. Which explains a lot. _Red_ acted, yes? Which is why it's not blue. What a story, right?"

"What a story, indeed," echoed Artemis, monotoned.

Foaly gave a nervous whinney. "Anyways, wow, what a blast from the past! Can I have my replica back now? I totally got it autographed, you know. By Hoofsley! Which is why it says Hoofsley in permanent marker. Haha."

Artemis turned the cube in his hands, revealing the lit screen on the side. "Oh, look. It responds to my voice."

"Ah, those replicas - they're actually pretty clever themselves," tried Foaly.

"Cube," said Artemis clearly, "Tell Foaly what I think of him right now."

"My programming prevents the use of invectives," replied the C-Cube. Foaly could have sworn it sounded smug.

"Cube, I'm sure you can find a synonym," prompted Artemis.

"That's okay," whinnied Foaly, finally realized that he'd dug himself in as deep as a dwarf who'd skipped breakfast and found himself at an all-you-can-eat lunch buffet. "You keep your - er, my replica." Holly prodded him in the flank. "Oh wait, actually, you can't keep it. Give it back."

"Why should I?" said Artemis, lifting an eyebrow. "If it is actually a replica, as you claim, there's no harm in my holding on to it for a while. I'm not done my game of Minesweeper yet."

Foaly remembered all the havoc Artemis had managed to wreak when he'd invented the C-Cube in the first place. Then he imagined all the havoc that Artemis could have wreaked in the hour he'd regained custody of the Cube. Then he imagined all the havoc Artemis could continue to wreak if Foaly did not confiscate it soon. Past, present, and future. None of the outcomes were particularly good.

"Okay, fine! I took your C-Cube. They were going to melt it down after the investigation was over, but it's a very clever bit of tech so I didn't let them kill it! Nope, I swapped it out for a movie prop and held on to the real thing for you! Well, not _for_ you, I mean, Root told me he'd look the other way but I had to promise you would never ever ever get it back. So I painted it red so everyone would think it was just the movie prop I ordered off the internet, and tried to not be too sad about letting them melt down one of forty-four limited-edition replicas."

"Which might have worked, if it didn't respond to my voice. You got it autographed by a _movie star."_ Artemis's voice dripped with disdain. "This is technology that could change both our worlds forever, and you had a movie star scribble their name on it in permanent pen."

"I had it autographed by Hoofsley! He's more than a movie star!"

There was a long silence.

"...Sorry," said Foaly.

"And you painted it red. If I wanted it red, I would have made it red in the first place. It's _supposed_ to be blue." The human almost sounded like a petulant child. A very dangerous petulant child, who happened to be holding a potential weapon of mass destruction in his hands and knew it.

"About that - you know, I always thought it looked better in red, anyways -" started Foaly, before belatedly realizing he should maybe just shut up and cross his hooves for luck.

There was another silence. "I'll make a deal with you, Foaly," decided Artemis at last. "I will return your… _replica,_ and in return you have to use your pull on the movie forums to convince fans to support my petition to be involved in the next script."

"Oh, that's easy, everybody already thinks that'd be an awesome idea," said Foaly. Then his ears flattened. "Wait, how did you know I frequent those - what am I talking about, of course you know. Okay, deal." He reached for the Cube.

Artemis lifted the device out of reach. "I didn't say that was all. Second, you are going to allow me to repaint it blue. No arguments, I'm going to be the one to fix it."

Foaly sighed. "But it's red now. Just accept that."

"It started out blue."

"And now it's red!"

"I don't suppose you boys could settle on purple?" Holly interjected, arms folded over her chest.

They stared at her, both agape. Holly rolled her eyes. "Foaly, let him paint the cube whatever color he wants. Fowl, don't take it personally that he kept the thing - it's a compliment. I think it's a bit like a parent sticking macaroni art on the fridge. All we heard for the next six months was how brilliant your tech was; he never did manage to crack your Eternity Code."

Foaly groaned, betrayed. "I thought we'd agreed to never tell him that part."

"Fine. As for my third demand," began Artemis.

"No, wait, I didn't agree to the second set of terms yet! Not if it means he's going to cover up the autograph!"

"I have no intention of covering up the autograph with paint, don't fret. I intend to scrub it off, and then paint over it. Third," repeated Artemis, ignoring the centaur's gasp of horror.

"But - _Hoofsley!"_

"Third -"

Foaly sighed. This, he knew, was going to be a _long_ list.

-x-

 _Author's Note:_

For anyone who's still wondering, different regional copies of _The Eternity Code_ describe Artemis's C-Cube as either red or blue (European copies tend to refer to it as red more frequently, and North American ones tend to say blue - this matches the first-edition cover art for each region). There are, as far as we know, no copies that refer to the C-Cube as _purple._

Also, as of the time of writing this note, apparently they're trying to claw the movie back out of Development Hell. Again. Good luck with that, we say. - Winged & Freud


End file.
